I enjoy receiving the ubiquitous Holiday Newsletter from friends and family members. They regale us with newsy tidbits of various family members, and it’s nice that they get you caught up on their lives.
Sort of.
The writer is usually the woman of the house who falls in and out of saying “I” and “We,” then signs it from everyone like they all sat down and wrote it together.
These newsletters give just enough bad or sad news to not sound completely braggadocious.
“Sadly, Juanita got lazy eye right after Austin’s graduation (where he was valedictorian of his class). He didn’t get those smarts from me!” (A humble brag wrapped up in a self-effacing burrito.)
Just once, I’d like to hear the WHOLE truth in a holiday newsletter. It might go a little something like this:
Well, another year has come and gone. Every time I look in the mirror, I can’t believe I’m another year older and look every minute of it! Of course, I still look better than 90 percent of my classmates, so that sustains me and gives me even more of a reason to carry on.
Samantha continues to be my favorite child. It’s not that I don’t love Sarah and Jason, it’s just that they are often unlikable. I’m pretty sure they were both switched at birth. There is no way these two came from me.
Hubby Harvey is “in between” jobs. Translated: I’ll be looking at him lounging on the couch watching TV for the foreseeable future. He had a good job, but claims the boss was “mean” to him so he quit without notice. This is just great. It means I’ll be working until I’m 94.
Every holiday this year has been a disaster. I work so hard to make sure it’s perfect and these people just don’t appreciate it. I broke down in tears at the 4th of July barbecue and cried all over the soufflé I had spent hours on. Everyone was so shocked at my outburst that they ate it anyway and fake-raved that it was wonderful with that extra “salt water.”
My hip has been bothering me for several months, but I refuse to go to the doctor. I get a lot more sympathy and help from this crew when I can play the “hip card,” so I’m delaying actually getting it fixed.
But we are doing fine overall. We are planning a family cruise for next year. That is if we can figure out a way to pay for it. Harvey wants to load up the credit card even though I’ve told him over and over that it’s maxed out. His new mantra is, “We’ll figure it out.”
The kids are still convinced that they are going to be famous internet influencers, but I’m not holding my breath. Jason developed a “Sleep Cam” where he livestreams himself, well, sleeping. It’s yet to take off.
Anyway, happy holidays! We continue to be mediocre.
With love, Me. (I mean “Us.”)
Columnist Kay Frances, MBA, holds a BS in Education and she is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP).
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