Too many choices, too little time!

As times change, it seems our choices get vaster and more varied.

I can remember when buying sheets was easy. Now it’s downright complicated.

They’ve got more bed sizes, like California King (I supposed the Rhode Island King is much smaller. Or maybe they’re called Rhode Island Pawns). Some sheets have “deep pockets” (which is good in case you want to sue the sheets).

They even have sheets made from “Egyptian Cotton.” What makes the Egyptians experts in sheets? I figured it out.

One word: Mummies! Their sheets last 5,000 years.

There used to be a handful of cereal types. Now there is an entire aisle at the grocery store dedicated to cereal. They still break down into two categories: candy and cardboard.

What about toilet paper? It has ONE job. Yet, you stand there in the toilet paper aisle trying to decide if you want something that has been “quilted.” Talk about a waste of someone’s sewing talent!

Even among brands, you are trying to decide if you want softness or stuff that smells good. Ultra strong or ultra soft.

Can’t I have both?

Then there are the sizes. They use terms like “mega” and “super mega.” Then they tell you the “equivalent” of the rolls: 12 is REALLY 24; 9 is REALLY 36. It’s easier to decipher the DaVinci Code!

There is even a brand that claims to be “Ultra SUAVE.”

Suave?

Is it toilet paper or a Vegas lounge singer?

Some rolls are so fat they won’t even fit on your toilet paper dispenser. Then you just rip off one sheet at a time until it gets small enough to be manageable.

And, it gives those people that have an aversion to changing out the roll more of an excuse not to do it. (You know who you are.)

I once timed it. As long as it’s not freakishly large, it can be changed out in 3.5 seconds.

Bottled water didn’t even used to be a thing. Now you have to decide if you want it from a mountain spring or from the iceberg the Titanic hit.

It’s filtered, purified, run over the hands of a monk in the Andes and sprinkled with fairy dust. Fiji brand water comes from “an underground artesian aquifer in the Fijian Islands, in the middle of the South Pacific. Tropical rain slowly filters through the island’s volcanic rock before settling in the aquifer.”

But does it?

Who’s going to check?

Poland Spring Water? Contrary to what the name suggests, this water doesn’t come from Poland. Instead, it comes from “a natural spring in an undisclosed location in Maine.” Where is this spring? The only information that the company gives away is that it’s surrounded by pine trees and hidden in the woods of Maine.

Yeah, right. I’d rather just get mine from my faucet.

Luckily, we have computer search engines to sort through all of this.

Now if I can just figure out which of these 2 million answers is correct.

Columnist Kay Frances, MBA, holds a BS in Education and she is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP).

Salt Magazine