Column by Kay Frances

Aunt Kay’s Off-the-Charts Crazy-Good Heavenly Egg Salad ©

Note: I gave my nieces this recipe for my egg salad. No, they didn’t ask for it. You didn’t either, yet here it is: my recipe, exactly as I wrote it for them.

6 boiled eggs. (I recommend taking the shells off). Seriously. Get your fiber elsewhere.

Put them into a bowl. Use a knife or pastry blender to cut into very small pieces. Nobody wants to see those big, nasty chunks of egg whites. Yuk.

Add:

3 tablespoons (heretofore known as “T”) light mayonnaise or the zesty tang of Miracle Whip. I suppose you could use regular mayonnaise, but why add a gazillion unnecessary calories to what could actually be considered “healthy?” Save your calories for other stuff. But, don’t drink your calories. Have I taught you nothing?

3 T. horseradish mustard. If that’s not how you roll, use any kind of mustard, like maybe brown, dijon, Grey Poupon or plain old yellow. Any of them will get the job done, but if I didn’t think horseradish mustard were the key, I would’ve said any old mustard to start with. Don’t like the sounds of it? Step out of your comfort zone! Nobody ever died eating horseradish mustard. And, no horses were harmed in the making of this product. Or radishes. Trust me on this.

3 T. dill relish. Non-negotiable! I can hear you now, “But, Aunt Kay, I don’t have any!” Well, get some! Don’t make me come over there.

Stir it a bunch. I can’t really say what a “bunch” is. Use your instincts. But, don’t whip it into oblivion. You don’t want it to look like lemon pudding.

OPTIONAL: One 3.8-ounce can of sliced black olives. You can further dice them if you want, but really, don’t you have other things you could be doing with your life?

Some people (your mom/my sister) use green olives. I say, “eewww!” but do what you want. In the end, it’s your egg salad. Just don’t hang my name on some nasty concoction you come up with on your own.

A word on paprika: Some people use it. Okay, everybody does.

Don’t.

It’s a pointless endeavor and an unnecessary expense. Dare to be different. I mean if everybody jumped off a cliff …

Number of servings: Well, that depends on how much people eat, now doesn’t it? Could be one, could be 12. You know your friends better than I do. But, if they don’t like egg salad, it might be time to find new friends.

For 12 eggs, double everything.

For 18 eggs, triple everything.

Any other quantity, use a calculator. I’m a self-described expert in egg salad, not a math whiz. What do you want from me? I do know that the more eggs you use, the bigger bowl you will need. That’s just simple physics and plain old common sense.

Enjoy and think of your old Aunt Kay while you do. And, pick up the phone now and then. I’m not getting any younger.

Salt Magazine

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